Forgiveness
In full disclosure, I have drafted this post multiple times. That should help explain why it's been so long since I've posted anything. Every time I post to this blog, I've tried to be really honest about the lessons I'm learning and the issues that exist in my life -- to be authentic.
Lately that thing has been forgiveness. I've been hurt. Friends of mine have been hurt. There's been a huge, gaping need for forgiveness in my life.
I watched a movie recently that had a great scene in it that I think demonstrates what it means to forgive. It is called In My Country and is a fictional story that includes historical elements from the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in post-apartheid South Africa.
A small boy sits, stone-faced in a plastic chair while two adult men recount the way they killed his parents in front of him. One of the perpetrators stands up, then kneels in front of the boy. He's a grown man sobbing, begging to be allowed to do something to make amends to the child. I thought, "Oh snap! This little boy is about to slap him across the face." But he didn't. Instead he threw his arms around the man in a moment of poignant healing while the watching crowd cheered.
On the couch in my living room, a lump gathered in my throat and tears slipped from the back of my eyes. I instantly thought - that's it! That's what true forgiveness looks like.
Sometimes forgiveness can be confusing. Like any other abstract concept, it can be difficult to pin down. We know we need to forgive, and we realize we have been forgiven. Most of us even understand it isn't easy, but getting it right is a challenge.
Some people think that if the person who's wronged you walks up, says "sorry," shrugs, and walks away that the relationship will remain the same as it was before the wrong was committed. This, to them, is forgiveness. It is a magic band aid that will reverse all wounds and dispel all anger -- not so.
Others believe it is enough to go through the external process of forgiveness but harbor anger and resentment within their hearts. Instead of being a gate to reconciling relationship, the "forgiveness" becomes a slowly ticking bomb sure to cause even more damage, when it finally explodes, than the wound caused by the initial wrong.
Still others, like me, have thought that forgiving is the same as forgetting. We forgive someone and then attempt to move forward as if nothing has ever happened, leaving ourselves wide open for future hurt and disappointment. In this state of denial, hurt feelings are pushed deep underground in our hearts. They are never truly experienced or recognized for what they are, making healing impossible.
I've been pondering the real meaning of forgiveness, what it means when it comes from God and what it means when it comes from another person. First, let me say that we all have stood in need of forgiveness at some point, and we will all need to be forgiven again and again for as long as we live. Since that's the case, I find that none of us can justifiably withhold forgiveness from anyone else. Maybe the difficulty is that we don't understand it.
Forgiveness is not relationship. They are not the same thing. It is possible to forgive someone and then never see or talk to them again. You might be thinking, "In those cases, what's the point?" Well, holding all that anger in is only going to hurt you, so you need to let go of it.
Forgiveness is, in the words of one of my favorite writers, "taking your hands off the other guy's throat." You don't have to say that you were never hurt or that it's all okay because maybe it isn't. Maybe you are seriously hurt. Maybe everything isn't okay; the situation might be a disaster. However, forgiving lets you realize that you've made mistakes before and this person across from you has just made one himself. All you're telling him is, "Okay, I get it. You're human. So am I; therefore, you don't owe me anything for this goof up, even though it really hurt me."
Forgiveness is not a lack of boundaries. Forgiveness is the first, tiny, baby step toward a restoration of the relationship; it does not necessarily restore it. It's pretty easy to say you're repentant, but actually meaning it is a different story. Sadly some people have learned to manipulate others by saying things they don't really mean, or perhaps they are too broken themselves to keep from hurting others. If either of those things is true, the other person has a right to protect himself. That doesn't mean forgiveness isn't there; it just means that relationships have two sides and the other person isn't willing or able to carry his side of it. This has been one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn. My weakness consists of taking forgiveness too far and letting it become an unhealthy relationship.
Human forgiveness is challenging and imperfect. We're all trying to love and understand each other, which can often turn into a painful mess.
The good news is that God forgives us perfectly. (He is even able in His divine goodness able to forget; He has removed our sins as far away as the east is from the west. Psalm 103:12). Thank goodness God is gracefully giving away forgiveness. I can't tell you how comforted I am by that. I also believe that He will give us the ability to forgive others, especially when it's the hardest to do. In Ezekiel 36:26 He promises us that he'll give us a new heart. That new heart has so much in it that we need and can never in our human brokenness create or provide, and forgiveness is part of that bounty.
With God's help, I'm laying down all the burdens in my weary heart, including anger and unforgiveness. Join me.
Lately that thing has been forgiveness. I've been hurt. Friends of mine have been hurt. There's been a huge, gaping need for forgiveness in my life.
I watched a movie recently that had a great scene in it that I think demonstrates what it means to forgive. It is called In My Country and is a fictional story that includes historical elements from the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in post-apartheid South Africa.
A small boy sits, stone-faced in a plastic chair while two adult men recount the way they killed his parents in front of him. One of the perpetrators stands up, then kneels in front of the boy. He's a grown man sobbing, begging to be allowed to do something to make amends to the child. I thought, "Oh snap! This little boy is about to slap him across the face." But he didn't. Instead he threw his arms around the man in a moment of poignant healing while the watching crowd cheered.
On the couch in my living room, a lump gathered in my throat and tears slipped from the back of my eyes. I instantly thought - that's it! That's what true forgiveness looks like.
Sometimes forgiveness can be confusing. Like any other abstract concept, it can be difficult to pin down. We know we need to forgive, and we realize we have been forgiven. Most of us even understand it isn't easy, but getting it right is a challenge.
Some people think that if the person who's wronged you walks up, says "sorry," shrugs, and walks away that the relationship will remain the same as it was before the wrong was committed. This, to them, is forgiveness. It is a magic band aid that will reverse all wounds and dispel all anger -- not so.
Others believe it is enough to go through the external process of forgiveness but harbor anger and resentment within their hearts. Instead of being a gate to reconciling relationship, the "forgiveness" becomes a slowly ticking bomb sure to cause even more damage, when it finally explodes, than the wound caused by the initial wrong.
Still others, like me, have thought that forgiving is the same as forgetting. We forgive someone and then attempt to move forward as if nothing has ever happened, leaving ourselves wide open for future hurt and disappointment. In this state of denial, hurt feelings are pushed deep underground in our hearts. They are never truly experienced or recognized for what they are, making healing impossible.
I've been pondering the real meaning of forgiveness, what it means when it comes from God and what it means when it comes from another person. First, let me say that we all have stood in need of forgiveness at some point, and we will all need to be forgiven again and again for as long as we live. Since that's the case, I find that none of us can justifiably withhold forgiveness from anyone else. Maybe the difficulty is that we don't understand it.
Forgiveness is not relationship. They are not the same thing. It is possible to forgive someone and then never see or talk to them again. You might be thinking, "In those cases, what's the point?" Well, holding all that anger in is only going to hurt you, so you need to let go of it.
Forgiveness is, in the words of one of my favorite writers, "taking your hands off the other guy's throat." You don't have to say that you were never hurt or that it's all okay because maybe it isn't. Maybe you are seriously hurt. Maybe everything isn't okay; the situation might be a disaster. However, forgiving lets you realize that you've made mistakes before and this person across from you has just made one himself. All you're telling him is, "Okay, I get it. You're human. So am I; therefore, you don't owe me anything for this goof up, even though it really hurt me."
Forgiveness is not a lack of boundaries. Forgiveness is the first, tiny, baby step toward a restoration of the relationship; it does not necessarily restore it. It's pretty easy to say you're repentant, but actually meaning it is a different story. Sadly some people have learned to manipulate others by saying things they don't really mean, or perhaps they are too broken themselves to keep from hurting others. If either of those things is true, the other person has a right to protect himself. That doesn't mean forgiveness isn't there; it just means that relationships have two sides and the other person isn't willing or able to carry his side of it. This has been one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn. My weakness consists of taking forgiveness too far and letting it become an unhealthy relationship.
Human forgiveness is challenging and imperfect. We're all trying to love and understand each other, which can often turn into a painful mess.
The good news is that God forgives us perfectly. (He is even able in His divine goodness able to forget; He has removed our sins as far away as the east is from the west. Psalm 103:12). Thank goodness God is gracefully giving away forgiveness. I can't tell you how comforted I am by that. I also believe that He will give us the ability to forgive others, especially when it's the hardest to do. In Ezekiel 36:26 He promises us that he'll give us a new heart. That new heart has so much in it that we need and can never in our human brokenness create or provide, and forgiveness is part of that bounty.
With God's help, I'm laying down all the burdens in my weary heart, including anger and unforgiveness. Join me.
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