Finding True North

If something doesn't make sense to me, it's hard for me to feel like it's worthwhile. I was one of those kids never satisfied when my mother's explanation was, "Because I said so!"  If you're thinking about what a snot I am for always needing a reason to do things, don't worry. I've paid for it dearly as an educator. I always feel the need to tell my students why I am asking them to do something. The problem is that they rarely ever need the reason, don't understand it, or even care that there is one, so I've had to learn how to deal with them as an authority figure.

                Don't feel sorry for me yet. I've also learned a lot of great spiritual lessons dealing with those frustrating young 'uns. That's how I know that good things are always worth doing -- maybe just because God says so. Let me share a personal illustration.

                I was an inexperienced first-year teacher with a pride problem in the fall of 2004. The worst part was that I didn't know all that about myself at the time. In my own estimation I was a completely competent and very intelligent college grad ready to conqueror the world. Don't get me wrong. I wanted desperately to do something great with my life, for it to be a sacrifice to God. I just had my own ideas about what all that entailed, and it wasn't a roiling mass of fifteen-year-olds in a public high school. 

                After a few months all I could think about was getting the heck out of there. I wanted a new job that would be much easier. A job where I could use my "real" talents in a calm environment to help people that really deserved it. Of course, I was too naive to understand that literary analysis isn't the most important talent to bring to the universe.

                I did everything I could to find a new job: I constantly scanned the classifieds, talked to my friends, and prayed fervently. Each attempt promptly turned into a dead end. I got angry, very angry. My prayers started to sound something like this, "Lord, I have no idea why you are wasting me on these kids. They're so ungrateful, they hate everything I do, and I'm not helping them at all. It's impossible, and I'm miserable. I don't know why You don't give me my real job. I'm ready to move on; I swear I'll appreciate my true life's work when You send it because this teaching thing obviously isn't it." All I can do is shake my head as I write this.

                At the time I was driving the car my husband owned when we got married. He had a very dramatic experience  that completely refocused his life and had put a huge decal of the outline of Jesus' head with the crown of thorns on it on the back glass of his car. Every time I looked in the rearview mirror, I would see the image of Jesus' suffering looking right back at me. I am ashamed to say that it didn't affect me most of the time. Then one morning I was driving to school and praying the same old prayer about my job --- more or less the one I quoted above.

                I was about to make the right turn to the faculty parking lot, and I glanced up at the rearview. It felt like a jujitsu master had drop kicked me in the chest.  I didn't even want to get out of the car; I was so ashamed. It took months, but I had finally gotten the message. If Jesus could come  to live, heal, instruct, and redeem the disgusting multitude of humanity -- a group that included me, why did I have a problem investing myself in my students?

                That day I went into my classroom and saw everything in a new way. Had my students suddenly become darling, robot children that bowed at my every request? Uh, no. My perspective had changed. They were still ungrateful, but hadn't I been that very thing hundreds of times? Yes. Did they still hurl profanity at me, try to cheat, litter their trash around the room, and throw desks at each other? Yes. Hadn't I done hundreds, thousands, millions of things that went against God's standards for me? Yes. My job, which had been meaningless torture the day before, was magically transformed into something meaningful. God was asking me to do for my students just a fraction of the thing that Jesus had done for me at Calvary -- offer a little bit of grace and unconditional love.

                I am still amazed at the difference that paradigm shift did for me. I was humbled. At first it really didn't feel good, but then that changed. I found out that I was doing something important and, more importantly that God was my partner. The energy I'd spent on prayers of resentment was now poured into prayers for God's help in our joint purpose.

                I've always enjoyed the story of Joseph in the Old Testament, but before I became a teacher, I didn't understand what the text meant when it said that God "made all he [Joseph] did prosper in his hand."  Then I had personal experience with it. God made all my efforts to better myself as a teacher bear fruit exponentially. Within a year I had gone from a teacher my school was considering firing into an asset worth keeping. I was able to smile again, and lots of people noticed the way things had changed for me.

                I'd like to say that was the only obstacle I faced and that I was teaching happily ever after, but I can't. I had mastered the skill required to be an effective teacher. My students did well and enjoyed learning in my classroom, but deep inside I was still dissatisfied. It was my pride again. God was blessing me, and with His help I had overcome one of the most difficult challenges in my life. However, I couldn't help but think that what I was doing was too humble and lowly. I was just a teacher. I didn't really put it that way to myself then, but that was the problem. That's how I saw it. It depressed me because all I could see was working hard in the classroom and no one ever noticing. I wouldn't be special.

                I was humbled again, but this time it took longer. I read about Christian service in my daily devotional and reflected on what all that meant for me as a teacher. I read John Milton's poem on his blindness. He says, "They also serve who only stand and wait." I came to a new realization. So what if God was asking me to be just a teacher? He is the master of the whole universe. If He was asking me to commit myself to a lifetime of service in the classroom, it must be pretty important.  I found myself able to accept that. It wasn't really a question of whether or not I wanted to be a teacher because in my heart I really did want that. It was a question of whether or not I was willing to do whatever God asked of me even if nobody else noticed. I had to be able to trust that there was good reason enough even if I couldn't see it in my limited perspective.

                God is always extravagant in His blessings. A few years later, I was the teacher of the year for my county. I even got to be on TV. I also got a chance to share the marvelous things God had done for me through my experience in education. I even got the chance to encourage other teachers and reassure them that they aren't just teachers. Whatever good God asks you to do, it is always worth doing.

               

Today is the last day of this year's summer vacation, and I've been sitting here reflecting on my experiences as a teacher and the school year ahead. When I think back to my first year of teaching, I realize that my intentions were good; I was simply having trouble finding True north.

If you set out from your house today with a compass and started traveling north using it as a guide, you would never make it to the geographic North Pole. It would be a while, but eventually you'd find yourself somewhere in the Arctic walking around lost because the True North Pole and the Magnetic North Pole aren't the same thing. Does that fact make your compass useless? Well, no. You would just have to make some adjustments to get where you're going.

All those years ago when I found myself in the classroom inept and miserable. I wasn't in the wrong place doing the wrong thing. I only needed a little adjustment.

Sitting here today with an entire new school year ahead of me, I know that God didn't just make an appearance in my life and leave. He's still here waiting to supply me with what I need to do his work and glorify him. God doesn't call the equipped; he equips the called. Nothing could be clearer to me.

Do I know what challenges I'll face this year? Nope. Do I feel confident about the year ahead? Yep. This passage from the beginning of Isaiah chapter 43 says it best:

Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end -- Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior.

Every year, in the most stressful situations, God has provided me with wisdom, wonderful colleagues, and supportive friends. This year won't be any different.